It has been a long while since I wrote my last blog entry. These entries usually take a spark of inspiration to create and over the past few months I have felt bereft of inspiration. In fact it has been some of the darkest months in my life. But today I feel compelled to write - more for me than for you.
As many of you know I have been through some very rough and major challenges over the last couple of decades. I doubt any of you are aware of all the trials that have gone on in my life and many of you probably are not aware of even a few of them. People used to tell me that things can only get better. At one stage I used to believe them, but not any more. Things can always get worse, and for me, they often have. My motto for a long time was: "It's life, deal with it." And that is what I often do. But dealing with it often glosses over the fact that it hurts, it drains, it wears you down. The past few months more than any other time period has had that effect.
I am not sure why the past few months have taken a much greater toll on me than any other period. Maybe it is because my oldest has now become an adult and I realize how much I have failed her over the years. Maybe it is because I am coming up to the tenth anniversary of losing my wife. Maybe it is just because the challenges have gone on for so long and I am just tired. Usually in the past when I have had occasional moments of feeling down, I have been able to quickly bounce back. But not so much of late. It has been a period where I have felt a failure in most aspects of my life. In fact it is hard to think of any areas of my life currently that I do not feel a failure in.
As I write I face a very uncertain future with no job, no income, no financial support. This month the rent and most of the bills probably will not get paid. Every time I venture out the house becomes a justification as to whether I can afford the gas or not. It breaks my heart turning down even simply requests from my kids that I cannot afford to meet. Most days are spent alone, with no interaction with others. I tend to avoid my kids and they avoid me because I no longer know how to be a father. Even my faith, that has sustained me through many troubled times, has gone.
In the darkest of these moment my thoughts have even dwelt of the idea of suicide. "Perhaps it is the easiest solution." "At least someone would take care of my kids." "Do I really want to spend the next 20, 30 or however long years living like this?" Those thoughts have never progressed to the extent I have seriously thought about taking my life, but they have cropped up on an increasingly regular basis. And that alone is enough to be concerned about.
I have no idea at this stage how to resolve a lot of the challenges I face, nor what the out come will be. But what I have realized, and one of the main reasons for this entry, is that no one is going to do it for me. It does not matter how sorry I feel for myself, how much I wished there was someone there helping me along, no matter how many things have gone wrong in the past, if I do not pick myself up, and dust myself off, and try again, I have failed. As long as I am willing to give it another go I am still in the game. I may be crawling on my knees at times, bloodied and sore from life's trials, but as long as I am willing to try, there is hope. Hope for a solution, hope for a better future, hope to to live by.
Although we have never met in person, I count you among my photography friends. I have "seen"you during this dark period lift the spirits of those who are struggling with their own challenges and reach out to help those who are less skilled. Despite the darkness you are a beacon of light. I am so sorry for the challenges and obstacles that have made your life difficult. I don't know why some slide through life and others struggle, but I have hope and faith that at some time we will all look back and realize the things we have learned. My prayers are with you, Craig.
ReplyDeleteMy Dear man. Gosh. Although I am far from being where you are I can only say that I want to bare this with you. No-one can step in your shoes but we are the hands of Christ - can I help? People can't do it for you as you say but they sure can do it with you! I can tell you something - your photograph that you use here and on Facebook always shows me strength. Craig - we have never been close, we are friends because I think of association, being at the same event, dance, chapel, wedding etc but you know better than I that we are still brothers and as such Kay above is right - you inspire!
ReplyDeleteI am going to contact you privately.
Charles
You probably don't remember me as you come across many people, models, MUA , photogs etc at group shoots. My name is Lindsay (Rowland) Stock. You know and are loved by those that I know and love( Ashley Turner, Mickey, Dan Hansen, Tara Tango to name a few). I realize that this was written a couple of weeks ago, but I just wanted to lend my support. You are not alone...not in your feelings of despair, not in your financial predicament, certainly not in the alienation and disconnection from your children. I realize that you don't need me to tell you this, but I find sometimes it helps me to be reminded that I'm not alone in my struggles. I was a working model/actress getting a degree in Criminal Justice while attending POST (Police Officer Standard and Training) I was intermittently ill. No big deal. In Nov '02 I Ruptured L5-S1 disc severing the nerves paralyzing my right foot. I wasn't operated on for 2 weeks. Told I wouldn't regain function. Several things went wrong durinfg surgery and after. I was later diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis (auto immune effects neuro muscular system)and Fibromyalgia as well as Degenerative Disc Disease and thanks to a botched surgery a Chiari 1 malformation. I'm happy to say that after 4 back surgeries, and 11 years in and out of a wheelchair I have only used the wheelchair 3 times this past year and I have lost 65-70lbs YAY! My husband is great when he's present and not angry, my 17yr old daughter has too many responsibilities so it shouldn't shock me when she forgets to take her BiPolar meds, my 9yr old son has a traumatic brain injury, ADHD was diagnosed with Autism but is very social, so his TBI is probably the cause and my baby girl almost 7yrs old now has Kawasaki Disease and was near death this time last year. Why did I share my background? I guess to show you that although my struggles aren't the same they cause me to want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day or wander how we're going to pay for the $ 300 medication (that's with insurance) for my daughter so she is able to function and pay for school lunch. A lot of people don't understand depression, grief, despair. I understand. I live it everyday, however I have decided to live by The Silver Linings Playbook. You can too friend!!! Write down 1 things that you can do today (each day) for you that will make a difference. 3 things you are thankful for . Also, write down all your negative thoughts ~purge your mind , say everything to everyone then tear it or burn it. This has been extremely therapeutic for me. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete~Sending you Healing Hugs, Love and Light~
Lindsay Stock