It has been a long while since I wrote my last blog entry. These entries usually take a spark of inspiration to create and over the past few months I have felt bereft of inspiration. In fact it has been some of the darkest months in my life. But today I feel compelled to write - more for me than for you.
As many of you know I have been through some very rough and major challenges over the last couple of decades. I doubt any of you are aware of all the trials that have gone on in my life and many of you probably are not aware of even a few of them. People used to tell me that things can only get better. At one stage I used to believe them, but not any more. Things can always get worse, and for me, they often have. My motto for a long time was: "It's life, deal with it." And that is what I often do. But dealing with it often glosses over the fact that it hurts, it drains, it wears you down. The past few months more than any other time period has had that effect.
I am not sure why the past few months have taken a much greater toll on me than any other period. Maybe it is because my oldest has now become an adult and I realize how much I have failed her over the years. Maybe it is because I am coming up to the tenth anniversary of losing my wife. Maybe it is just because the challenges have gone on for so long and I am just tired. Usually in the past when I have had occasional moments of feeling down, I have been able to quickly bounce back. But not so much of late. It has been a period where I have felt a failure in most aspects of my life. In fact it is hard to think of any areas of my life currently that I do not feel a failure in.
As I write I face a very uncertain future with no job, no income, no financial support. This month the rent and most of the bills probably will not get paid. Every time I venture out the house becomes a justification as to whether I can afford the gas or not. It breaks my heart turning down even simply requests from my kids that I cannot afford to meet. Most days are spent alone, with no interaction with others. I tend to avoid my kids and they avoid me because I no longer know how to be a father. Even my faith, that has sustained me through many troubled times, has gone.
In the darkest of these moment my thoughts have even dwelt of the idea of suicide. "Perhaps it is the easiest solution." "At least someone would take care of my kids." "Do I really want to spend the next 20, 30 or however long years living like this?" Those thoughts have never progressed to the extent I have seriously thought about taking my life, but they have cropped up on an increasingly regular basis. And that alone is enough to be concerned about.
I have no idea at this stage how to resolve a lot of the challenges I face, nor what the out come will be. But what I have realized, and one of the main reasons for this entry, is that no one is going to do it for me. It does not matter how sorry I feel for myself, how much I wished there was someone there helping me along, no matter how many things have gone wrong in the past, if I do not pick myself up, and dust myself off, and try again, I have failed. As long as I am willing to give it another go I am still in the game. I may be crawling on my knees at times, bloodied and sore from life's trials, but as long as I am willing to try, there is hope. Hope for a solution, hope for a better future, hope to to live by.
