Given we live in a world of instant communication dominated with vasts amounts of data where information overload is a common term, it is surprising how often we act in our personal communications without seeking all the information available.
Years ago, still living in England, I was preparing to marry my Brazilian sweetheart. Being on a tight budget we were doing things as cheaply as we could. One of the main things, obviously, was the wedding cake, and a Brazilian friend had agree to make it for us. As the wedding grew closer I began to get apprehensive that the friend had not yet started to make the cake. I started voicing my concerns to my soon-to-be wife who seemed puzzled that I should be worried about it and reassured me her friend still had plenty of time.
As the week of the wedding arrived my worries about the lack of progress on the cake intensified. I had no direct experience in these things, but surely the cake should have been done a long time ago. With every passing day my concern increased about the lack of cake, along with the frequency I raised the issue with my bride. With each mention her irritation with me seemed to increase and I just could not understand her lack of concern. Finally, three days before the wedding this friction between us exploded and, after a heated discussion, I was assured the friend would start working on the cake that day. I was also given the assignment to go secure the needed columns to stack the three layers we would be having.
The day of the wedding arrived and sure enough there was the three layers of the cake all beautifully completed and ready to be stacked together. That was when I suddenly realized what the problem between us had been. We had both been making assumptions about what the other understood.
Those of my readers familiar with British traditions will know that a British wedding cake is actually a heavy fruit cake covered in thick marzipan and then a thick layer of icing. These cakes are usually prepared weeks or even months in advance and set aside to mature. On the other hand those familiar with Brazilian traditions will know that there, like in the USA, wedding cakes are usually a light sponge cake and as such are made the week of the wedding. Both my wife and I had been talking about a wedding cake. However, we had both assumed that the other understood what a wedding cake was in the same way as we personally did.
(As an aside, given British wedding cakes are so heavy, setting columns directly on the icing works fine. Not so with sponge type wedding cakes where, without a base to support them, the columns just sink into the cake.)
Another important lesson in communication came just a few weeks after our marriage when our first big argument erupted, in the middle of a supermarket of all places. We were out doing the grocery shopping and had reached the egg section. Liking my eggs, I had, as a single man, spent many years buying the biggest size eggs. My wife who was more conscious of our limited financial position wanted to buy the smaller cheaper size. I politely, so I thought, pointed out I would prefer the larger size, to which she got angry at me, and before I knew it we were in middle of the isle have a full flung argument over what size of eggs to buy.
I do not remember what size we ended up buying that day but I was totally shocked that she had gotten so upset over such a small thing as the size of eggs. I was thinking this was crazy. The trouble was I was making assumptions again, this time over what we were actually arguing about. I had assumed we were arguing over what size eggs to get. Not so, and it was several weeks later before I truly understood what the argument really was about.
Maria, growing up in Brazil, had very strong ideas about what the woman's role in the family should be. And being a new wife, in a foreign country, she was feeling a little insecure within herself. What I began to realize is the argument was not over the size of eggs, but more about who should get to decide on the size. You see to her the role of shopping was the wife's and my supposed pressure on her to buy a different size egg than she thought was suitable, was a case of me over stepping my bounds and encroaching on her domain.
Since that time I have found that many arguments between individuals stems from the fact that we make assumptions and fail to make sure we have all the information. So the next time you find yourself in conflict with another, take a moment to step back and ask yourself what assumptions are you both making and do you each understand those assumption. Sometimes the obvious to us is not so obvious to others.
