Christmas Love

In Dr Seuss's story of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch sets out believing that if he steals all the trimmings, presents, and other material aspects he will be able to destroy Christmas. As the story progresses though, he realizes this is not so.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

As you celebrate this Christmas day, I hope that beyond the presents, the food, the candy and the lights you might take a moment, like the Grinch, to contemplate whether Christmas indeed means a little bit more.

Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth into the world of Jesus Christ. Above all else Christ stood for love. His birth was heralded by a heavenly host declaring "on earth peace, good will toward men." Christ taught to "love one another as I have loved you", and to "love thy neighbor as thyself." In our day and age it is easy to wonder if love can indeed prevail. It almost seems impossible to think that peace can be had across the world, that we can love one another without reserve. There are those that have hurt and deceived us. Those who are vastly different in their outlook and philosophy than we. Those who have differing beliefs. There are so many reasons not to love. Can love towards all really be found anywhere but in the innocence and naivety of a child? 

The columnist, Erma Bombeck, once wrote: “There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” There is something magical about Christmas to a child. But even more amazing is the magic of Christmas that is able to touch each of us and turn us child like. Whether or not you believe Jesus Christ to be the Son of God, one cannot help but be touched by the Christmas spirit of love.

I hope that as you enjoy your Christmas time, that a bit of that magic may touch your hearts. By all means enjoy to the fullest all the celebrating, all the fun and laughter, that Christmas brings. But let it also bring back to you a touch of the purity of childhood. And with that purity reach out in love to those around you. Give forgiveness where it has been withheld. Mend the broken bridges. Let go of the pride that separates you from others. Learn to accept the differences that divide. Awake to the reality that we are all sons and daughters, all brothers and sisters of the same universe.

As you move forward beyond Christmas give the greatest gift that is possible, a loving heart. Help love mend your own lives, lift the lives of those around you, and heal a trouble world. It will not happen over night, but it begins with you, it begins today, it begins now. Let the angels' declaration become our rallying cry, one of peace on earth, good will toward men.

Laughing at your challenges

The other day I met an acquaintance in the supermarket and we got to discussing my latest challenge, the fact the I have to move out the home we are renting and I have been unable to find anywhere to move to. The conversation spread to other hard challenges I have had to face over the few years he has known me. Then he made a comment that made me smile. He told me I had the perfect personality to deal with them all - I just laugh at them.

Of course his comment and view overlooks the aspects he never sees. The heartaches, the shed tears, the stress I often feel. But there was some truth to his words that I laugh at challenges and it got me thinking as to why that is. Is it really just personality? Or is it something more?

Whether it was the death of my wife, the crazy move to the USA, the financial difficulties, a failed marriage, visa difficulties, losing my job or any one of a number of other major challenge thrown at me over recent years, I always have seemed to be able to pick myself up with a smile and solider on. My motto became "It's life, deal with it."

I will not belie, there are times when it feels too much, when I seem to be carrying the woes of the world on my shoulders. There have even been times I have broken down and cried like a baby. But one thing I have realized when these moments occur is that it is more about self-pity than anything else. At the end of the day how I feel is within my own power. Feeling sorry for myself will not help improve things, indeed it often results in not facing up to the reality. And that is another lesson I have learnt over the years - trying to avoid a situation and hope it goes away never works. Once I decide to face the problems head on, whatever they may be, it is surprising how easy many of them are to deal with. Our fear is often the biggest obstacle to solving a difficult situation.

Another aspect that has always helped me get through the challenges is a sense of humor. Perhaps that is part of my personality, perhaps it is part of my British upbringing, but I have always been able to see a funny side. I remember in the later stages of my wife's cancer treatment going to see one of the Lord of the Rings movies. My wife was a third of her previous weight, little more then skin and bones, she had lost her hair, and her eyes seemed to bulge. As we sat there, the creature Gollum came onto the screen and I could not help noticing the resemblance to my wife. We sat there in the theater and had a great laugh together. Later she would refer to our children as her "precious," in Gollum's tone of voice, as she would chase them around the house. Another time after I had graduated from my MBA program, I was penniless, had no work visa, and had no idea how I would survive. I used to tell people "I'm destitute and close to being homeless, but hey I have an MBA."

So personality? Perhaps, but just remember life is full of challenges, it is no use complaining about them, and trying to run away from them just leaves you further from the solution. So face up to them, accept them for what they are, stop feeling sorry for yourself, which is a total waste of time and energy, and look for the positive in life. It does not matter how dark it gets, there is always something positive you have.

And above all, stop taking life so seriously. Cry a little, but laugh a lot.

The Eighty Year Old Me

Someone posed the question this evening about what I really wanted from life. Many years ago he had asked himself the same question. He had realized that what he was currently doing then was not making him happy, but he had also not known what it was he wanted from life. So he made a few changes in his work and took some time to contemplate. Over a period of time, each day he would asked himself: "What do I really want from my life?" He took to imagining himself sitting on a porch, aged 83, looking back on his life and what it was that would make him feel happy about the life he had lived. It took him a while but he finally figured it out and then went about living his life in a way that each day would contribute towards it. Among other things he decided that he wanted to deeply love others and to be helpful to others. And so each day he seeks to find new ways to express love and to be helpful.

As I pondered his question, I realized that I too am unsure about what it is I really want from life. Sitting on that porch in my eighties, what is it that would bring me the feeling of a life well spent? As I pondered, two surprises struck me. Firstly, for the most part I had no idea what it was that would bring me that satisfaction. And secondly, of the few things I perhaps could immediately imagine, I realized that I was doing a poor job working towards them. My current vision of that old man version of me sitting on the porch, seemed to be a individual filled with regret for missed opportunities. That vision scared me. 

With five decades of my life already come and gone, I feel so much of it has been wasted. I feel like a ship without a rudder that has drifted aimlessly in the currents, not reaching any destination, nor making progress towards any. It reminds me a little of that moment in Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, when Alice is trying to work out which way to go and meets the Cheshire Cat. 

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to walk from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where --" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you walk," said the Cat.

Just like Alice, when we do not know where we want to go in life, it does not really make a difference which way we go. The thought of getting to the end of my life without having reached anywhere I would have wanted to go, or even getting part way there, troubles me. As such I have determined that I too would take some time to regularly ask myself what I want of my life, until I discover what that might be. Of the few things I already do know I want, I have also determined that I would strive each day to do something that contributed to making them a reality.

As I set out on this new road of discovery, I would also challenge you to ask of yourself what it is that you really want from life. What would your eighty year old version be happy looking back with satisfaction on? If you already know what it is, then are your actions each day contributing towards it? I for one do not want to be sat there full of regrets. What about you?

Love of Self

I was reminded this week just how strange life sometimes is. Just two weeks before my wife passed away with cancer, a friend gave her a book entitled You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay. Of course none of us knew at the time how quickly she would deteriorate and be taken from us. We had expected her to be with us at least a few more months. But that was not to be.

I do not think Maria ever even opened the book let alone read it. It seemed to me almost comical that someone would give her a book about healing just before she died. Over the intervening eight years the book has sat on my bookshelf gathering dust. Every now and then, when books have been packed for one of our frequent moves, or I was searching for something else, I would come across the book and it would bring an ironic smile to my face and I would move on. But this week was different. Something prompted me to pick the book up and start reading it. And I am glad I did as it seems somewhat pertinent to my life right now.

As I have read, I started to actually wonder if fate had meant me as the true recipient of the book and not Maria. Interestingly our friend wrote in the front of the book that he too had been given it many years previously but was not ready for it at the time. It was not until three years later that he finally read the book and it changed his life. Perhaps I needed to wait the eight years before I too was ready for it.

While the aim of the book is about self-healing, its focus is learning to truly love ourselves and to let go of those things that prevent us from doing so. This principle of loving yourself seems so obvious, and yet is so often neglected. Many of us develop feelings of not being good enough, of feeling guilty because we are not perfect. We tell ourselves that we do not try hard enough, that we are too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, too dumb, too ugly, too worthless. We build this picture of us being imperfect, and being something we dislike or even hate.

Loving yourself though is vital to your emotional, spiritual and even physical well-being. In our predominately Christian world were the emphasis is on serving others and developing humility, loving yourself often seems out of place. We almost feel guilty when we allow good thoughts about ourselves to occur. But a love of yourself is central to Christianity and indeed to many religions and philosophies. 

On board a plane, as part of the pre-flight preparations, the flight attendant will instruct passengers in safety procedures in case of an emergency. When demonstrating use of the oxygen mask, part of the instructions is that you should always put on your own mask before trying to help another. Many guidelines for emergencies give this same kind of advice - see to your own immediate needs before trying to help others. These guidelines are not about the "looking after number one" egotistical mentality that many seem to suffer from these days, but a practical approach. It is difficult to assist someone unless you are in a position of stability yourself. The same is true of loving others. When Jesus taught we should love our neighbor, there was a reason he added that we should love them as we love ourselves. It really is impossible to truly love another unless you love yourself first. 

The old TV star, Lucille Ball once said:

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

When we develop a true love of ourselves we develop an inner power to deal with whatever challenges we face. There is an old saying that all the water in the world cannot sink a ship unless it gets inside. When we allow our own criticisms or those of others to take root within us, we start doubting ourselves, feeling we are unworthy, and the love we ought to have towards ourselves diminishes. In effect we fall out of love with our own self and we sink our own boat. The only person that can really pull you down is yourself, and it is time we all stopped allowing ourselves to pull us down.

How we go about rooting out those negative, non-loving thoughts may be varied. There are numerous approaches to tackling it. But all of them seem to center on the idea that our experiences are defined by the way we feel; the way we feel is determined by the thoughts we have; and each of us are able to change our thoughts. Sometimes the weight of the past, and the thought patterns we have developed throughout our life seem unchangeable. But as Hay's book states the point of power is always in the present moment. The past is gone. It is over and done with. What is important is what you are choosing to thinking and believe and say right now. That is what creates the future. So start noticing what you are thinking. Ask yourself do you want this thought to create your future? If the answer is no, then make the resolve to change, make the resolve to truly love yourself and to create the future you want.

Kony 2012

Most of my blogs have been about uplifting, inspirational topics. Today I want to address something that is not so inspirational. Many may think this political - it is not, it is about morality, it is about life. Many may think it is none of their business - they would be wrong, it is everyone's business, we are all interconnected. The topic is the Ugandan rebel leader Joseph Kony.

I got involved in working with the Internet back in the early days of the Web, less than a year after it had been invented in fact. The world has changed dramatically in those intervening 18 years. Now much of the world is connected in ways we could not have dreamed of 20 years ago. Through  Facebook, Youtube and the like we are able to overnight reach out to millions of people all over the world. I have loved the way I am able to find and reconnect with old friends, make new friends and follow the latest online trends. I love the way I can find information on virtually any topic. I love the way I can watch movies and play games where ever I am and easily shop online. But the Web has grown up. It is no longer just a tool to share information, to communicate with friends and family, to entertain ourselves. It has connected us in a way we have never been connected before and more importantly it has empowered us. And with that empowerment comes a new responsibility.

Mother Teresa once said "“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” That has always been the case, but it used to be those ripples might take years, even decades to change the world we live in. Now with the Internet, those ripples can take mere days, even hours to have an effect, a profound effect. Gandhi also said "Be the change you wish to see in the world." The Internet gives us a opportunity never before had, to be that change and to affect others.

Back to Kony. Joseph Kony is the head of the Lord's Resistance Army, a group with an extreme religious ideology that is known for its violent atrocities including killing, mutilation, rape, and even cannibalism. Kony is especially known for his use of child soldiers. Estimates as high as 100,000 children have been abducted and forced to fight in his army. More than not, the families of these children were slaughtered, often with the children being forced to kill their own parents. These children were placed on the front lines because they were easily replaced by abducting other children. For more than 20 years now Kony has carried out these atrocities escaping capture.

It is true that in the complex situation that is Uganda and the surrounding regions, there has been no innocent side in the conflict. But the crimes of Kony must be stopped and it is time that he was finally held accountable for those crimes. Bringing him to justice or his death will not repair the suffering, the pain, the grief that has been caused these past 20 years. It will not bring back the tens of thousands that have been killed. It is a shame on the world that we have not done much to stop this barbarism before now. But thanks to the Internet and the potential it holds, there is now a chance for you to play a small part in bringing about a big change. I would urge you to watch this video on Youtube by a group of people wanting to help bring about the end to the tyranny of Kony. Watch it, follow your heart and act. Kony 2012

Getting involved with this movement on its own is not going to change the world, it will not banish evil, it will not resolved the problems of Uganda and Central Africa. Winston Churchill once said "It would be an inconvenient rule if nothing could be done until everything can be done." We can solve all the problems but we can do something. Here is your chance to do something, to try to make a difference, to potentially help the future of thousands of children and other individuals. 

Let us take the power and the responsibility the Internet has provided and send a powerful message to our leaders and to the world, that we will no longer sit back and allow the atrocities that Kony is known for to continue in the world we live in. Let us awake, shake of the dust of apathy, and let our voices be heard - that we care, that it matters, that we will not be silent.

What Size Eggs?

Given we live in a world of instant communication dominated with vasts amounts of data where information overload is a common term, it is surprising how often we act in our personal communications without seeking all the information available.

Years ago, still living in England, I was preparing to marry my Brazilian sweetheart. Being on a tight budget we were doing things as cheaply as we could. One of the main things, obviously, was the wedding cake, and a Brazilian friend had agree to make it for us. As the wedding grew closer I began to get apprehensive that the friend had not yet started to make the cake. I started voicing my concerns to my soon-to-be wife who seemed puzzled that I should be worried about it and reassured me her friend still had plenty of time.

As the week of the wedding arrived my worries about the lack of progress on the cake intensified. I had no direct experience in these things, but surely the cake should have been done a long time ago. With every passing day my concern increased about the lack of cake, along with the frequency I raised the issue with my bride. With each mention her irritation with me seemed to increase and I just could not understand her lack of concern. Finally, three days before the wedding this friction between us exploded and, after a heated discussion, I was assured the friend would start working on the cake that day. I was also given the assignment to go secure the needed columns to stack the three layers we would be having.

The day of the wedding arrived and sure enough there was the three layers of the cake all beautifully completed and ready to be stacked together. That was when I suddenly realized what the problem between us had been. We had both been making assumptions about what the other understood.

Those of my readers familiar with British traditions will know that a British wedding cake is actually a heavy fruit cake covered in thick marzipan and then a thick layer of icing. These cakes are usually prepared weeks or even months in advance and set aside to mature. On the other hand those familiar with Brazilian traditions will know that there, like in the USA, wedding cakes are usually a light sponge cake and as such are made the week of the wedding. Both my wife and I had been talking about a wedding cake. However, we had both assumed that the other understood what a wedding cake was in the same way as we personally did.

(As an aside, given British wedding cakes are so heavy, setting columns directly on the icing works fine. Not so with sponge type wedding cakes where, without a base to support them, the columns just sink into the cake.)

Another important lesson in communication came just a few weeks after our marriage when our first big argument erupted, in the middle of a supermarket of all places. We were out doing the grocery shopping and had reached the egg section. Liking my eggs, I had, as a single man, spent many years buying the biggest size eggs. My wife who was more conscious of our limited financial position wanted to buy the smaller cheaper size. I politely, so I thought, pointed out I would prefer the larger size, to which she got angry at me, and before I knew it we were in middle of the isle have a full flung argument over what size of eggs to buy. 

I do not remember what size we ended up buying that day but I was totally shocked that she had gotten so upset over such a small thing as the size of eggs. I was thinking this was crazy. The trouble was I was making assumptions again, this time over what we were actually arguing about. I had assumed we were arguing over what size eggs to get. Not so, and it was several weeks later before I truly understood what the argument really was about.

Maria, growing up in Brazil, had very strong ideas about what the woman's role in the family should be. And being a new wife, in a foreign country, she was feeling a little insecure within herself. What I began to realize is the argument was not over the size of eggs, but more about who should get to decide on the size. You see to her the role of shopping was the wife's and my supposed pressure on her to buy a different size egg than she thought was suitable, was a case of me over stepping my bounds and encroaching on her domain. 

Since that time I have found that many arguments between individuals stems from the fact that we make assumptions and fail to make sure we have all the information. So the next time you find yourself in conflict with another, take a moment to step back and ask yourself what assumptions are you both making and do you each understand those assumption. Sometimes the obvious to us is not so obvious to others.

Cowboy Up

As I kid I always enjoyed watching Westerns and all things cowboy on TV. Moving over to Utah, I now get the chance, during the summer months, to actually attend live rodeos. It always amazes me the skills demonstrated and reminds me of those childhood days when I would take some rope and try to lasso things. The favorite part of any rodeo though, has to be the bull riding. Truth be told I'd actually love to give it a try myself one day. Chances are though, I would end up breaking a few bones, if not something worse. In fact bull riding accounts for 50% of all rodeo injuries.

Something I only just recently learnt is that the bull as well as the rider is scored. If a bull gives a rider a harder time then the rider is awarded more points. So the roughest, meanest bulls score more points and are used in more rodeos and are ridden by the best riders. 

As the cowboy mounts the bull in the stall you can feel the tension building in the audience. The bull grunts and stamps beneath the cowboy, the rider adjust himself and tightens his grip. Then he gives a nod to those operating the gate. The gate flings open and the bull charges out of the stall jumping, kicking and writhing in an attempt to dislodge the burden on his back. The crowd roar and cheer and the cowboy hangs on for all he's worth. The amazing thing is that the cowboy only has to last 8 seconds. Once that buzzer goes, the rider gets himself off as quickly as he can to the cheers of the crowd. 

If the bull however gets the upper hand he throws the rider from his back, often then turning to attack and stomp on him. When this happens the audience, as one, gasps and becomes silent, not knowing if the cowboy is okay or not. The rodeo clowns move in to distract the bull and draw him away from the fallen rider. The audience waits with baited breath while helpers go to check on rider's condition. The seconds and minutes seem like forever. Then the rider stirs, slowly gets up, and the commentator, in excited tones, announces "Cowboy Up!" The crowd roars, cheers and claps as the brave cowboy makes his way out of the arena.

This phrase "Cowboy Up" is an intriguing one. It seems to be part of the cowboy creed that no matter how badly you are hurt, if you can, you get up and walk, or even hobble out of the arena. Only in the severest cases is a cowboy stretchered from the arena.  In general terms cowboy up means to tough-up, get back on your horse, don't back down, don't give up, and do the best you can with the hand you're dealt.

Life sometimes is like the bull ride. While we do not voluntarily put ourselves in challenging situations, nonetheless we often find ourselves on the meanest, roughest figurative bulls. We do all we can to hang on and face the challenge. Sometimes we are successful, but at other times we fail to last the 8 seconds. We are thrown with great force and sometimes even trampled upon. Many, when this happens, are tempted to just lie there licking their wounds and looking for others to feel sorry for them. But it takes a brave soul, to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and carry on.

Some challenges will leave you bruised, battered and limping. But as the old saying goes, "The only real failure, is failing to get up." Success in life is not measured in the absence of challenges but in how we meet and face those challenges. It is not about whether we defeat the challenges but in our ability to keep moving forward.

So the next time life throws you to the ground and gives you a beating, rise to your feet, dust yourself off and walk out with your head raised high, declaring "Cowboy Up!"

Three Rules of Life

In my last article I spoke about the movie, Peaceful Warrior. Another lesson I gleaned from the movie was three rules of life. In the movie the mentor, Socrates, talks about three rules of life being paradox, humor and change.

Paradox

The first rule is that life is a paradox. Life is a mystery and it is a waste of time trying to figure it out. We all have a tendency to want answers, to understand why things are the way they are. But sometimes there are no answers to be had and trying to find an answer is a waste of valuable time and energy.

When my late wife passed away, a question many people expressed was "Why would she be taken?" Maria was just 36 when she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She had just given birth to our fourth child a week earlier. Our oldest was only seven at the time. Maria was a beautiful, talented woman and a wonderful mother but just a year and a half later, after having suffered terrible, she was taken from mortality. And thus the cry went up among many, why her, why now? When her children needed her so much, when she had spent so much of her life in service to others, why would God take her away?

Of course there is no answer to be had at this time to such questions. When Maria passed away I found myself comforting others that had been wrestling with these very questions. I remember telling then that I did not know why, but I knew God did, and I had trust in God and that was sufficient for me.

Many other events have occurred in my life where there have been no answers to what has and is happening. I have learnt that such answers generally are not to be had in this life, or at least in the present. Instead of spending time and energy and heartache trying to resolve them, I have learnt to have faith that God directs my path, to accept what comes and to make the most of it. Indeed my motto came to be "It's life, deal with it."


Humor


Socrates shares that we need to keep a sense of humor, especially about ourselves and that doing so will be a strength beyond measure.


A favorite verse in the book of Proverbs reads:

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. (Prov 17:22)

Being able to laugh about life, even in the darkest of times, lifts the soul and lightens the heart. When difficulties beset us we have two choices: we can either let it get us down, or we can face it cheerfully. The choice is ours to make. So often in life I have face enormous challenges that often seemed insurmountable; situations which at the time seemed impossible to solve. People, on hearing my story, are often amazed about how I have gotten through these multiple challenges. At times it has been difficult. But I have learnt to laugh and find the humor in whatever situation I find myself in, and always keep a smile on my face. That, more than anything else, has got me through the hard times.


Change


The third rule is that nothing stays the same. No matter how well we plan things, there is no guarantee it will work out as we thought it would. When you set your goals in life, do not let yourself be tied to a certain outcome or even a certain time frame. The Scottish poet Robert Burns once wrote a poem entitled "To a Mouse" on turning up her nest while plowing one day. The poem contains the famous line:

The best-laid schemes o' Mice an' Men
Gang aft a-gley

The line expresses the sentiment that even the best of plans can go wrong. When we set all our hopes and expectations on a certain outcome, and that outcome fails to materialize, then we face heartache, disillusionment, and despair. Instead be open to the possibilities and learn to adapt as you go. Just like the might tree needs to learn to bend in the strong wind to avoid breaking, so we need to learn to bend and adjust with the changes life brings or we too will break. Instead of wasting valuable energy trying to get where you thought you should be, follow your heart and the inspiration you feel and let it take you where it will.


These three simply rules have helped me see more clearly as I have navigated life and I hope they will help you too.

There Are No Ordinary Moments

One of my favorite movies is the 'Peaceful Warrior.' It is a movie based on the book 'Way of the Peaceful Warrior,' recounting the story of an athlete, Dan Millman, who suffers a tragic accident that everyone tells him will prevent him competing again. He meets an unlikely mentor, Socrates, who leads him through a spiritual rebirth and eventually back to performing strength.


The mentor, played by Nick Nolte, shares some wonderful insights with the young athlete and there are many life lessons to be learnt from the movie for us individually. It is a movie worth watching several times over because you will not appreciate all the lessons it contains on the one viewing only.

During the movie, Socrates builds up an expectation in the young man about a special place he will take him to, when the lad is ready, where he will see a remarkable thing. Dan wants to head out there and then but much to his annoyance Socrates keeps telling him he is not ready yet. As Dan's attitude changes, the day arrives that Socrates tells him he is finally ready and that in the morning they would set off to see this special thing.


The morning comes and the two set off with Dan full of excitement. They spend the morning enjoying each others' company as they climb a hill together. Finally in the afternoon they reach the summit and Dan looks around expectantly for the special thing he will see. Not seeing anything remarkable, he quizzes Socrates as to what is so special. Socrates looks down on the ground and points to a random, small stone by Dan's foot and declares this to be the special thing.


Dan becomes upset and angry that they have spent the whole day climbing the hill just to look at a stupid stone. As Dan fumes in his anger, suddenly the pebble drops, so to speak, and he realizes what Socrates has been trying to teach him. With the sudden light of awareness he declares "The journey is what brings us happiness not the destination." 


Sometimes in our own lives we get so caught up in where we want to get to, that we forget to enjoy the journey we are on and make the most of where we are at. 

A sad reminder of this came to me a few months after my wife passed away. We lived in a small three bedroom apartment in the North East of London. I had bought the apartment a couple of years prior to getting married. Maria had never really liked the apartment and especially did not like the area. She very much wanted to move and always looked forward to the time we would. As a result, she was disinclined to do much to improve the apartment. For instance she had a talent for making high quality curtains that she made for others, but would never make them for our place, because to her that somehow equated in giving up on the hope of moving. Unfortunately due to several factors we were unable to move and were still living there when she passed away.


Ironically a few months later the factors preventing the move changed and I prepared to move with the children to the USA. In packing up the apartment, I came across several fine sets of towels that had been given to us as wedding presents eleven years earlier. Maria had not wanted to use the towels and had put them away against the time we would eventually be in a home more suited to her liking. As such she never did get to use the towels.


When I came across the towels, that I had previously forgotten all about, and realized what had happened, I wept knowing not only that Maria had never achieved her goal of a new home but more especially that she had spent much of the last eleven years unable to enjoy and appreciate what we did have. She had set her sights so much on the destination, one that she was never able to reach, that she had been unable to make the most of the present.


Life is very much a journey for each of us. Many of us have an idea of where we hope the destination will be. But none of us can ever guarantee getting to that particular destination, and the one we might hope for, may not turn out to be the one we end up at. But what we all do have is the journey that we are on and the moment that we are in. And it is the journey that we need to make the most of and learn to enjoy.

Learning to find happiness in the journey as opposed to the destination does not mean we have to give up the goal of our destination. Each of us needs goals in our life, things to work towards. But it does mean we need to recognize that what matters most is the moment that we are now in. And as the movie teaches us, "There are no ordinary moments."


Each moment of our lives can be extraordinary, if we allow it to be. But all too often we shut out the things to be gained here and now. Just like on a long road trip when we are anxious for it to be over, we wish away the present, hoping only to quickly arrive where we plan to be. But just like on the road trip where, if only we open our eyes and look, there are new sights and experiences to be seen all along the way, so it is with life.

Remember to find happiness in your journey, and to look for what can be gained from each and every wonderful moment along the way.

Good Is The Enemy Of Great

A couple of days ago, a friend made a comment that one of the things that stops us from being all we can be is "being fine." This reminded me of one of the books on our reading list at business school called 'Good to Great' by Jim Collins. Collins had previously written a book, Built to Last: , that was a successful seller. One day having dinner with a group of business leaders one remarked that he loved his previous book, but that it was useless. Asked to explain, the individual commented that the companies talked about where ones that had always been great companies. He wanted to know what the majority of companies should do that are good, but not great.

The comment led the author to research and write the follow up book, Good to Great. The opening chapter of the book is entitled "Good is the Enemy of Great." The fact was that most great companies had always been great. It raised the question 'Can a good company become a great company and, if so how? Or is the disease of ''just being good" incurable?' Thankfully, he found it was not incurable and the book goes on to outline how a number of good companies did become great.

This idea of 'good is the enemy of great' seems to pop up not just in the corporate world but in our personal lives too. When there is something wrong in our lives, we generally take note and do something to improve it. However, when something in our life is just "ok," often we simply accept it, and make no effort to improve. We may not have a great job, but it is ok, and so we do not seek something better. We may not have great health, but it is ok, and so the incentive may not be there to improve it to what it could be. Our relationships may not be great, but generally they are ok, and so we get by. In effect being simply ok or good stops us from really shining and becoming what we truly have the potential to be. It makes us complacent.

How often has someone in greeting you asked "How are you?" and you have replied "Ok," or "I'm good" but not really meant it? A number of years ago I bumped into an acquaintance and asked him how he was. His reply is one I have never forgotten and often thinking about. His response was an enthusiastic "I'm wonderful, how else is there to be?" Each of us has the potential to be truly wonderful. Indeed why should we be anything but wonderful?

A quote I have come across a number of times recently seems apt here. It is from the book A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Each of us needs to believe that we can indeed be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. Becoming so though generally does not happen overnight. But just because it does not happen by a certain date, do not lose faith that it can indeed happen.

Collins in his book talks about confronting the brutal facts. He shares what he calls 'The Stockdale Paradox.' Collins had the opportunity to meet with Admiral Jim Stockdale who had been taken prisoner during the Vietnam War. He was repeatedly tortured, had no rights, no release date, and was unknowing as to whether he would survive to see his family again. Collins asked him how he had dealt with it. Stockdale answered that he never doubted he would eventually get out. Collins also asked about who did not get out and was taken aback when Stockdale replied "The optimists." The optimists were those that said "We're going to be out by Christmas." And when that did not happen that "We're going to be out by Easter." Eventually they gave up and died of a broken heart. Stockdale explained an important lesson, "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

Each of us needs to confront the reality of our current situation. We need to be truthful about where we really are. What in our life is not perfect? What is just mediocre? What are we settling for? But the other reality is that what we hope to achieve may not happen by a certain date, or even in a certain way. There will be disappointments, there will be setbacks. But what will make the difference in you becoming what you can be is not the absence of difficulty, but how you deal with those difficulties.

Each of us has the potential to be great. Have faith in that fact, do not get discouraged when the going gets tough, and above all do not allow yourself to become complacent. Good is indeed the enemy of Great. Let us stop being just good and rise to the greatness we all have the potential to become.

Previous Experience Irrelevant

When I was younger I struggled knowing what to do with my life. After school, I had gone to Canada for a while and when I returned, made a rushed and poorly considered decision on a college course. Unfortunately, I chose badly and ended up dropping out at the end of the first year. The following few years saw me going through umpteen temporary positions, most lasting for just a few months, interspersed with periods of unemployment. 

The numerous positions I filled included a wide variety of activities, from glass-fiber molding to gardening, from billing account auditing to community education provision. It brought me a wealth of insights to a diverse range of functions and the opportunity to meet a wide diversity of people. It was a time of rich experience in my life and one of great learning.

The downside though, was that it brought me no nearer to knowing what I wanted to do. It also began to prove a problem when filling out job applications and resumes. There was never enough room to enter all my positions and it took an agonizingly long time to complete them while recruiters sat waiting to interview me.

Eventually I ended up becoming one of her Majesty's civil servants and worked in the HM Inland Revenue department where I found an aptitude for the work. After a couple of years working there, I decided to change sides and work in the private sector as a tax consultant. In doing so, I went along to one of the top agencies to find a suitable position. As part of the agency's services they constructed a resume for me to send to prospective employers. I was curious to see how they would handle my varied past, and was somewhat amused when I first saw the resume.

Along with my personal details, the agency had outlined my responsibilities at the Inland Revenue. Then on the bottom of the page was a short, simple sentence: "Previous experience irrelevant." In three words they had adeptly dealt with a problem that had been followed me for so long. The career "baggage," that I had for years carried around with me and so painstakingly regurgitated at each job application, was simply wrapped up and disposed of, no longer to be a concern. 

Since then, I have often thought about that phrase, "Previous experience irrelevant." It certainly has helped me in recent times crafting resumes and ensuring I only include relevant information. Irrelevant did not mean that the previous experience was of no use, or that I had not learned from it. Simply, it meant that it was not needed to define who I was or what I could offer now.


This phrase has a much wider application than just in job hunting. Often we seem to approach situations in other areas of our life in the same way. For instance we might begin new relationships by bringing out all the "baggage" of past relationships, thinking somehow we have to outline those past relationships to begin a new one. When really what we should be doing is simply stating to ourselves "Previous experience irrelevant." Again that does not mean there are not things to be learnt from our past experiences, that they were meaningless or of no importance. But it does mean that those past experiences do not have to define who we are now, or what shape the future might take.


My challenge to you is to examine how much of your past experiences you are allowing to define what the future holds. I recently saw a quote from Louise Smith, affectionately known as the 'first lady of racing,' that stated:

"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk."

Take the time to unload all of 'yesterday's junk' that you may be holding on to. And as you look to define what your future may hold, remember that simple phrase, "Previous experience irrelevant."

Seize The Day

One of the enjoyments I have in life is the love of poetry. I especially like it when I come across a new poem that has specific meaning for me at the time. With the beginning of a new year, the following poem I stumbled upon this morning struck a chord.

The Lesson Of The Water Mill

Listen to the water mill:
Through the livelong day
How the clanking of the wheel
Wears the hours away;

. . . . . . . . . .

And a proverb haunts my mind
As a spell is cast:
"The mill will never grind
With the water that has passed."
Take the lesson to thyself,
Loving heart and true;
Golden years are fleeting by,
Youth is passing, too;
Learn to make the most of life;
Lose no happy day;
Time will never bring thee back
Chances swept away.
Leave no tender word unsaid;
Love while life shall last;
"The mill will never grind
With the water that has passed."

. . . . . . . . . .

Take the proverb to thine heart,
Take! Oh, hold it fast:
"The mill will never grind
With the water that has passed!"

~ Sarah Doudney

Often the past is a wonderful treasure. There are fond memories. There are accomplishments we have achieved. Places we have visited. Friends we have made. Having these treasured memories and past events is great, but sometimes we forget that these are the past and not the present. Instead of trying to create new occasions, all too often we tend to just regurgitate our old ones. We fail to realize the sentiment voiced above, that the mill will never grind with the water that has passed. We futilely try to cling to the life that has already passed us by. In effect we stop living, and become a relic of our pasts.

The situation becomes even more stark when we think about past negative events. Frequently we seem to nurture these, almost afraid to let them go, as though in doing so, we would lose part of ourselves. The more we hold on to them the more they define who we are. We become the hoarders that we have all seen in TV shows from time to time, that cannot bear to throw anything away until their homes become so clutter with garbage that they are no longer hygienic nor habitable. 

One of my favorite quotes comes from Sara Teasdale who stated:  

"I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes." 

I hope that we can all learn to let go of the past. Get out there and create new memories instead of living among our past ones. But more especially learn to let go of the past hurts, the past relationships that are over, the past disappointments, the past failures. Do not let these define who you are. And especially do not let today, and the opportunities it affords to live, pass you by.


In the words of the character John Keating from the movie Dead Poets Society:

"Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day..., make you lives extraordinary."

I hope that this coming year will be one where you leave the past in the past and move forward to make you life extraordinary.