A Fathers' Day Gift

Today happens to be Fathers' Day and everywhere I see and hear tributes from people praising their fathers and the difference they make or made in their lives. Each Fathers' Day is the same and each year I feel an emptiness because I am unable to offer tributes to my own father in the way others do to theirs.

I do have a few fond memories of grandfathers. My maternal grandfather died when I was only 5 years old, so the memories are mainly distant. But I do remember his kindness and tenderness towards me. One particular memory I have of him, is his teaching me how to put my socks on properly by rolling them up first. It is an association with him that still often comes to mind all these years later when I'm pulling my socks on in the morning.

My paternal grandfather was around a little longer but still died when I was in my late teens. He had suffered a stroke that had robbed him of his speech for a number of years before he died so we communicated little. On our weekly visits he would mainly sit in the corner with his pipe - I loved the smell of his pipe tobacco and always thought if I was to smoke, I would smoke a pipe. He had a small chalkboard that he would occasionally write a word or few on when he needed to communicate, but for the most part shared little. I did though always feel he was pleased to see us when we visited and as a child would love to go sit on his knee and feel the rough unshaven stubble on his chin. His hands were rough but strong and kind, unlike my grandmother's whose hands always felt cold.

Of my father though, I have very few fond memories. Being a traveling salesman he was often away from home, but even when home he always seemed distant, tucked away in his office, with the door closed, working on who knows what. He was a strong leader in the community, serving for many years on the town council. He had his weekly session judging in the local magistrates court. He even had the honor of serving as the town mayor for a year. Decked out with his ermine-edged red robe and his gold chain of office, he cut quite the figure. He also served as a church leader for many years, being respected by many.

When it came to his role as father, however, sadly there was much lacking. I struggle to recall occasions when we bonded or even shared an intimate moment. I am sure there must have been happy occasions together that are now lost in distant memory, but none come readily to mind. I do though recalled vividly the last time he hit me, for something that was not even my fault. I recall his frustration at my not being able to pronounce my Rs properly. I recall his annoyance when I had watched him struggling trying to do things that to me had seemed straightforward and I had offered suggestions. I remember long boring hours sitting in the car in the pouring rain because he was determined to have his bank holiday outing. I remember the cassette tape lectures he would leave me because we could not have conversations without argument. I remember his frustration at my years of being single and how he continually blamed it on my premature grey hair. I remember the strained periodic visits I would feel obliged to make after my parents had divorced. And I remember the emptiness of feeling, on receiving the news of his death, after not seeing or talking to him for over two years previously.

So why recall this unhappy relationship, especially on Fathers' Day? Should I not just let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes? I recall it, because on this day when others praise their fathers, I realize that those feelings are not dormant. They are there and while the majority of time they are hidden below the surface, they are very much alive. And today I face that reality head on. I acknowledge those negative feelings and the negative role I have allowed them to play in my life. And what's more I realize that there are elements in my own relationship as a father to my children that in ways echo the relationship, or lack of, I had with him.

So on this Fathers' Day I have decided to do something different. Today I offer a Fathers' Day gift to my father, and to myself, that I have not been able to previously give. I offer forgiveness. On this day I have decided to let go of the negative feelings towards my father. I realize that his actions and omissions were not because he did not love me, but simply portrayed who he was and the circumstances in which he had grown up. On this Fathers' Day I allow the past to stay in the past and not dictate the future. Despite all his shortcomings, my father gave me life, a home and an upbringing. It may not have been the one I would have chosen, but it helped build the man I am today, and for that I am thankful.

To those out there like me, who may have felt uncomfortable today because of your own relationships or absence thereof with your fathers, I hope you too might be able to give your father and yourself the gift of forgiveness. That you might leave the past in the past, accept it as events that have occurred and move forward to a new future. Happy Fathers' Day.