It has been a long while since I wrote my last blog entry. These entries usually take a spark of inspiration to create and over the past few months I have felt bereft of inspiration. In fact it has been some of the darkest months in my life. But today I feel compelled to write - more for me than for you.
As many of you know I have been through some very rough and major challenges over the last couple of decades. I doubt any of you are aware of all the trials that have gone on in my life and many of you probably are not aware of even a few of them. People used to tell me that things can only get better. At one stage I used to believe them, but not any more. Things can always get worse, and for me, they often have. My motto for a long time was: "It's life, deal with it." And that is what I often do. But dealing with it often glosses over the fact that it hurts, it drains, it wears you down. The past few months more than any other time period has had that effect.
I am not sure why the past few months have taken a much greater toll on me than any other period. Maybe it is because my oldest has now become an adult and I realize how much I have failed her over the years. Maybe it is because I am coming up to the tenth anniversary of losing my wife. Maybe it is just because the challenges have gone on for so long and I am just tired. Usually in the past when I have had occasional moments of feeling down, I have been able to quickly bounce back. But not so much of late. It has been a period where I have felt a failure in most aspects of my life. In fact it is hard to think of any areas of my life currently that I do not feel a failure in.
As I write I face a very uncertain future with no job, no income, no financial support. This month the rent and most of the bills probably will not get paid. Every time I venture out the house becomes a justification as to whether I can afford the gas or not. It breaks my heart turning down even simply requests from my kids that I cannot afford to meet. Most days are spent alone, with no interaction with others. I tend to avoid my kids and they avoid me because I no longer know how to be a father. Even my faith, that has sustained me through many troubled times, has gone.
In the darkest of these moment my thoughts have even dwelt of the idea of suicide. "Perhaps it is the easiest solution." "At least someone would take care of my kids." "Do I really want to spend the next 20, 30 or however long years living like this?" Those thoughts have never progressed to the extent I have seriously thought about taking my life, but they have cropped up on an increasingly regular basis. And that alone is enough to be concerned about.
I have no idea at this stage how to resolve a lot of the challenges I face, nor what the out come will be. But what I have realized, and one of the main reasons for this entry, is that no one is going to do it for me. It does not matter how sorry I feel for myself, how much I wished there was someone there helping me along, no matter how many things have gone wrong in the past, if I do not pick myself up, and dust myself off, and try again, I have failed. As long as I am willing to give it another go I am still in the game. I may be crawling on my knees at times, bloodied and sore from life's trials, but as long as I am willing to try, there is hope. Hope for a solution, hope for a better future, hope to to live by.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Sunday, June 16, 2013
A Fathers' Day Gift
Today happens to be Fathers' Day and everywhere I see and hear tributes from people praising their fathers and the difference they make or made in their lives. Each Fathers' Day is the same and each year I feel an emptiness because I am unable to offer tributes to my own father in the way others do to theirs.
I do have a few fond memories of grandfathers. My maternal grandfather died when I was only 5 years old, so the memories are mainly distant. But I do remember his kindness and tenderness towards me. One particular memory I have of him, is his teaching me how to put my socks on properly by rolling them up first. It is an association with him that still often comes to mind all these years later when I'm pulling my socks on in the morning.
My paternal grandfather was around a little longer but still died when I was in my late teens. He had suffered a stroke that had robbed him of his speech for a number of years before he died so we communicated little. On our weekly visits he would mainly sit in the corner with his pipe - I loved the smell of his pipe tobacco and always thought if I was to smoke, I would smoke a pipe. He had a small chalkboard that he would occasionally write a word or few on when he needed to communicate, but for the most part shared little. I did though always feel he was pleased to see us when we visited and as a child would love to go sit on his knee and feel the rough unshaven stubble on his chin. His hands were rough but strong and kind, unlike my grandmother's whose hands always felt cold.
Of my father though, I have very few fond memories. Being a traveling salesman he was often away from home, but even when home he always seemed distant, tucked away in his office, with the door closed, working on who knows what. He was a strong leader in the community, serving for many years on the town council. He had his weekly session judging in the local magistrates court. He even had the honor of serving as the town mayor for a year. Decked out with his ermine-edged red robe and his gold chain of office, he cut quite the figure. He also served as a church leader for many years, being respected by many.
When it came to his role as father, however, sadly there was much lacking. I struggle to recall occasions when we bonded or even shared an intimate moment. I am sure there must have been happy occasions together that are now lost in distant memory, but none come readily to mind. I do though recalled vividly the last time he hit me, for something that was not even my fault. I recall his frustration at my not being able to pronounce my Rs properly. I recall his annoyance when I had watched him struggling trying to do things that to me had seemed straightforward and I had offered suggestions. I remember long boring hours sitting in the car in the pouring rain because he was determined to have his bank holiday outing. I remember the cassette tape lectures he would leave me because we could not have conversations without argument. I remember his frustration at my years of being single and how he continually blamed it on my premature grey hair. I remember the strained periodic visits I would feel obliged to make after my parents had divorced. And I remember the emptiness of feeling, on receiving the news of his death, after not seeing or talking to him for over two years previously.
So why recall this unhappy relationship, especially on Fathers' Day? Should I not just let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes? I recall it, because on this day when others praise their fathers, I realize that those feelings are not dormant. They are there and while the majority of time they are hidden below the surface, they are very much alive. And today I face that reality head on. I acknowledge those negative feelings and the negative role I have allowed them to play in my life. And what's more I realize that there are elements in my own relationship as a father to my children that in ways echo the relationship, or lack of, I had with him.
So on this Fathers' Day I have decided to do something different. Today I offer a Fathers' Day gift to my father, and to myself, that I have not been able to previously give. I offer forgiveness. On this day I have decided to let go of the negative feelings towards my father. I realize that his actions and omissions were not because he did not love me, but simply portrayed who he was and the circumstances in which he had grown up. On this Fathers' Day I allow the past to stay in the past and not dictate the future. Despite all his shortcomings, my father gave me life, a home and an upbringing. It may not have been the one I would have chosen, but it helped build the man I am today, and for that I am thankful.
To those out there like me, who may have felt uncomfortable today because of your own relationships or absence thereof with your fathers, I hope you too might be able to give your father and yourself the gift of forgiveness. That you might leave the past in the past, accept it as events that have occurred and move forward to a new future. Happy Fathers' Day.
I do have a few fond memories of grandfathers. My maternal grandfather died when I was only 5 years old, so the memories are mainly distant. But I do remember his kindness and tenderness towards me. One particular memory I have of him, is his teaching me how to put my socks on properly by rolling them up first. It is an association with him that still often comes to mind all these years later when I'm pulling my socks on in the morning.
My paternal grandfather was around a little longer but still died when I was in my late teens. He had suffered a stroke that had robbed him of his speech for a number of years before he died so we communicated little. On our weekly visits he would mainly sit in the corner with his pipe - I loved the smell of his pipe tobacco and always thought if I was to smoke, I would smoke a pipe. He had a small chalkboard that he would occasionally write a word or few on when he needed to communicate, but for the most part shared little. I did though always feel he was pleased to see us when we visited and as a child would love to go sit on his knee and feel the rough unshaven stubble on his chin. His hands were rough but strong and kind, unlike my grandmother's whose hands always felt cold.
Of my father though, I have very few fond memories. Being a traveling salesman he was often away from home, but even when home he always seemed distant, tucked away in his office, with the door closed, working on who knows what. He was a strong leader in the community, serving for many years on the town council. He had his weekly session judging in the local magistrates court. He even had the honor of serving as the town mayor for a year. Decked out with his ermine-edged red robe and his gold chain of office, he cut quite the figure. He also served as a church leader for many years, being respected by many.
When it came to his role as father, however, sadly there was much lacking. I struggle to recall occasions when we bonded or even shared an intimate moment. I am sure there must have been happy occasions together that are now lost in distant memory, but none come readily to mind. I do though recalled vividly the last time he hit me, for something that was not even my fault. I recall his frustration at my not being able to pronounce my Rs properly. I recall his annoyance when I had watched him struggling trying to do things that to me had seemed straightforward and I had offered suggestions. I remember long boring hours sitting in the car in the pouring rain because he was determined to have his bank holiday outing. I remember the cassette tape lectures he would leave me because we could not have conversations without argument. I remember his frustration at my years of being single and how he continually blamed it on my premature grey hair. I remember the strained periodic visits I would feel obliged to make after my parents had divorced. And I remember the emptiness of feeling, on receiving the news of his death, after not seeing or talking to him for over two years previously.
So why recall this unhappy relationship, especially on Fathers' Day? Should I not just let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes? I recall it, because on this day when others praise their fathers, I realize that those feelings are not dormant. They are there and while the majority of time they are hidden below the surface, they are very much alive. And today I face that reality head on. I acknowledge those negative feelings and the negative role I have allowed them to play in my life. And what's more I realize that there are elements in my own relationship as a father to my children that in ways echo the relationship, or lack of, I had with him.
So on this Fathers' Day I have decided to do something different. Today I offer a Fathers' Day gift to my father, and to myself, that I have not been able to previously give. I offer forgiveness. On this day I have decided to let go of the negative feelings towards my father. I realize that his actions and omissions were not because he did not love me, but simply portrayed who he was and the circumstances in which he had grown up. On this Fathers' Day I allow the past to stay in the past and not dictate the future. Despite all his shortcomings, my father gave me life, a home and an upbringing. It may not have been the one I would have chosen, but it helped build the man I am today, and for that I am thankful.
To those out there like me, who may have felt uncomfortable today because of your own relationships or absence thereof with your fathers, I hope you too might be able to give your father and yourself the gift of forgiveness. That you might leave the past in the past, accept it as events that have occurred and move forward to a new future. Happy Fathers' Day.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Letting go of anger
This afternoon while working on a paint job I had the radio playing in the background. Several times during the afternoon the presenter asked for people to let him know how they "got their ex," for an upcoming broadcast. At first I didn't think much about it, but as it was repeated time and again something about it began to bother me.
I must confess there have been times in my life when someone has done something to me and it has made me angry enough to want to get back at them. Thankfully those occasions have been rare and I have soon got past it. But what bothered me about this request on the radio, is the sense that it was a good thing to get back at your ex in some way. It was not just an acknowledgement that it happens but it was an expectation that people should do it, and an encouragement to do it in a way that would hurt the most.
Now I've heard enough stories from the failed relationships of others to know that some parties to relationships deserve whatever they may get. But is it really healthy for us to want to get back at someone? What does it actually achieve other than cause more hurt? I have seen far too many people consumed with anger towards others and at the end of the day all it does is hurt themselves. While the anger is there it is impossible to move on. Some even claim it causes illness. The one to whom you are angry towards fills your mind and in doing so controls your thoughts and indeed emotions. Do they deserve to be able to exert such control over you?
Isn't it time for us to learn to move past the desire for retribution? Time to move forward with our lives rather than clinging to past hurts. Let them go, let the hurt go, and find a future that is positive and uplifting.
I must confess there have been times in my life when someone has done something to me and it has made me angry enough to want to get back at them. Thankfully those occasions have been rare and I have soon got past it. But what bothered me about this request on the radio, is the sense that it was a good thing to get back at your ex in some way. It was not just an acknowledgement that it happens but it was an expectation that people should do it, and an encouragement to do it in a way that would hurt the most.
Now I've heard enough stories from the failed relationships of others to know that some parties to relationships deserve whatever they may get. But is it really healthy for us to want to get back at someone? What does it actually achieve other than cause more hurt? I have seen far too many people consumed with anger towards others and at the end of the day all it does is hurt themselves. While the anger is there it is impossible to move on. Some even claim it causes illness. The one to whom you are angry towards fills your mind and in doing so controls your thoughts and indeed emotions. Do they deserve to be able to exert such control over you?
Isn't it time for us to learn to move past the desire for retribution? Time to move forward with our lives rather than clinging to past hurts. Let them go, let the hurt go, and find a future that is positive and uplifting.
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