A Fathers' Day Gift

Today happens to be Fathers' Day and everywhere I see and hear tributes from people praising their fathers and the difference they make or made in their lives. Each Fathers' Day is the same and each year I feel an emptiness because I am unable to offer tributes to my own father in the way others do to theirs.

I do have a few fond memories of grandfathers. My maternal grandfather died when I was only 5 years old, so the memories are mainly distant. But I do remember his kindness and tenderness towards me. One particular memory I have of him, is his teaching me how to put my socks on properly by rolling them up first. It is an association with him that still often comes to mind all these years later when I'm pulling my socks on in the morning.

My paternal grandfather was around a little longer but still died when I was in my late teens. He had suffered a stroke that had robbed him of his speech for a number of years before he died so we communicated little. On our weekly visits he would mainly sit in the corner with his pipe - I loved the smell of his pipe tobacco and always thought if I was to smoke, I would smoke a pipe. He had a small chalkboard that he would occasionally write a word or few on when he needed to communicate, but for the most part shared little. I did though always feel he was pleased to see us when we visited and as a child would love to go sit on his knee and feel the rough unshaven stubble on his chin. His hands were rough but strong and kind, unlike my grandmother's whose hands always felt cold.

Of my father though, I have very few fond memories. Being a traveling salesman he was often away from home, but even when home he always seemed distant, tucked away in his office, with the door closed, working on who knows what. He was a strong leader in the community, serving for many years on the town council. He had his weekly session judging in the local magistrates court. He even had the honor of serving as the town mayor for a year. Decked out with his ermine-edged red robe and his gold chain of office, he cut quite the figure. He also served as a church leader for many years, being respected by many.

When it came to his role as father, however, sadly there was much lacking. I struggle to recall occasions when we bonded or even shared an intimate moment. I am sure there must have been happy occasions together that are now lost in distant memory, but none come readily to mind. I do though recalled vividly the last time he hit me, for something that was not even my fault. I recall his frustration at my not being able to pronounce my Rs properly. I recall his annoyance when I had watched him struggling trying to do things that to me had seemed straightforward and I had offered suggestions. I remember long boring hours sitting in the car in the pouring rain because he was determined to have his bank holiday outing. I remember the cassette tape lectures he would leave me because we could not have conversations without argument. I remember his frustration at my years of being single and how he continually blamed it on my premature grey hair. I remember the strained periodic visits I would feel obliged to make after my parents had divorced. And I remember the emptiness of feeling, on receiving the news of his death, after not seeing or talking to him for over two years previously.

So why recall this unhappy relationship, especially on Fathers' Day? Should I not just let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes? I recall it, because on this day when others praise their fathers, I realize that those feelings are not dormant. They are there and while the majority of time they are hidden below the surface, they are very much alive. And today I face that reality head on. I acknowledge those negative feelings and the negative role I have allowed them to play in my life. And what's more I realize that there are elements in my own relationship as a father to my children that in ways echo the relationship, or lack of, I had with him.

So on this Fathers' Day I have decided to do something different. Today I offer a Fathers' Day gift to my father, and to myself, that I have not been able to previously give. I offer forgiveness. On this day I have decided to let go of the negative feelings towards my father. I realize that his actions and omissions were not because he did not love me, but simply portrayed who he was and the circumstances in which he had grown up. On this Fathers' Day I allow the past to stay in the past and not dictate the future. Despite all his shortcomings, my father gave me life, a home and an upbringing. It may not have been the one I would have chosen, but it helped build the man I am today, and for that I am thankful.

To those out there like me, who may have felt uncomfortable today because of your own relationships or absence thereof with your fathers, I hope you too might be able to give your father and yourself the gift of forgiveness. That you might leave the past in the past, accept it as events that have occurred and move forward to a new future. Happy Fathers' Day.

Letting go of anger

This afternoon while working on a paint job I had the radio playing in the background. Several times during the afternoon the presenter asked for people to let him know how they "got their ex," for an upcoming broadcast. At first I didn't think much about it, but as it was repeated time and again something about it began to bother me.

I must confess there have been times in my life when someone has done something to me and it has made me angry enough to want to get back at them. Thankfully those occasions have been rare and I have soon got past it. But what bothered me about this request on the radio, is the sense that it was a good thing to get back at your ex in some way. It was not just an acknowledgement that it happens but it was an expectation that people should do it, and an encouragement to do it in a way that would hurt the most.

Now I've heard enough stories from the failed relationships of others to know that some parties to relationships deserve whatever they may get. But is it really healthy for us to want to get back at someone? What does it actually achieve other than cause more hurt? I have seen far too many people consumed with anger towards others and at the end of the day all it does is hurt themselves. While the anger is there it is impossible to move on. Some even claim it causes illness. The one to whom you are angry towards fills your mind and in doing so controls your thoughts and indeed emotions. Do they deserve to be able to exert such control over you?

Isn't it time for us to learn to move past the desire for retribution? Time to move forward with our lives rather than clinging to past hurts. Let them go, let the hurt go, and find a future that is positive and uplifting.

Not Everyone Loves You

One of the principles that I have learnt through my business career is that most groups can be divided into three subgroups: the love group, the swing group and the hate group. One of the mistakes people in marketing sometimes make is assuming everyone is in their love group. The other is trying to directly tackle the hate group.

Life is generally also like this. You will have your love group. These are those who will always see you in a good light. You also have your hate group. These are those that no matter what you do or say will always have an issue with you. Then there is a whole bunch in between who currently neither hate nor love you.

As you interact with others, you need to always remember that not everyone loves you. That is worth repeating: not everyone loves you. As much as you may wish for it to happen, there will always be people in your hate group. You can never, nor should you expect too, have everyone in your love group. Whatever you do, whatever you say, there will always be people that take issue. In their eyes, whatever you do is never good enough. The people in this group may even be people who you would assume belonged in your love group, because supposedly they "love" you. This might include parents, spouses or friends, ones who state their love for you, but always take issue with what you do or say. It might be disguised as telling you that you can do better, or wanting something better for you. In actuality the chances are they want something better for themselves, not for you. The fact of life however, is that not everyone is in your love group.

The other mistake is trying to tackle your hate group head on. I see all too often people in life wasting their time and energy on trying to convince their hate group to change. We can spend hours in heated argument with them. We tell ourselves, if only they could understand, or if only they knew how it was, then they would change, they would see me differently. We even try to change what we do in the hope that this will change their view of us. Truth is when we try to tackle our hate group head on, it merely entrenches their views and begins to frustrate those in our love group. And often trying to change those in our hate group directly ends up having the opposite effect, actually increasing the size of the hate group.

So learn to accept that the hate group is there, will always be there, and that you are not going to change them. Instead spend some time looking at those in your love group. Learn to understand what it is about you and what you do that your love group sees as so great. Then take those aspects and devote your time and energy on them. That will have the result of converting those from your swing group and growing the size and devotion of your love group.

Made for this Moment

Today in his inauguration speech, President Obama made the statement: "My fellow Americans, we are made for this moment, and we will seize it - so long as we seize it together." Obama is not the first to use the statement: "we are made for this moment." In a Christian setting the sentiment has often been associated with the biblical story of Esther. Esther was an orphaned Jewish girl took in and reared by Mordecai, a prominent Jew in a non-Jewish society. Esther found favor with the king and went on to become his wife.

Later, those jealous of Mordecai and the other Jews persuaded the king, who was unaware of Esther's Jewish background, to issue an edict that all the Jews should be killed. Mordecai sent word to Esther asking her to plead their case before the king, even though approaching the king without an invitation could have led to Esther's own execution. On Esther's hesitation Mordecai tells her: "who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther realizing she was indeed "made for this moment" went to the king and her intervention saved the Jews from destruction.

Whatever your political or religious persuasions, one thing is sure in my mind, that each of us was made for the moment in which we find ourselves. We have the choice whether to grasp that moment and step up to the plate, or to let it slip by.

As well as the inauguration of the US president, today is also the official Martin Luther King Jr day here in the USA. King is a powerful symbol in US history, and rightly revered by many. One of the things King often spoke about was those who remained silent when wrongs were being done. He once stated: “Not only will we have to repent for the sins of bad people; but we also will have to repent for the appalling silence of good people.” 

Some times we think that being an individual, we cannot make much of a difference. A few years ago living in the United Kingdom I was struck by an article I read. It was about an offensive advertisement that had been banned by the board of advertising there, after an unprecedented number of complaints had been received from the public. What struck me most was the number of complaints that had been received. Out of a country with a population of over 65 million, the number of complaint leading to this advertisement being withdrawn was a mere 750. It taught me a valuable lesson, that a few people standing up and being counted can make all the difference.

Obama talked about seizing the moment only if we all seize it together. For everyone to seize something together though is highly unlikely in the world in which we live. But for a small number who are prepared to stand up and dare to make a difference, nothing is impossible.

King also stated:

“We are now faced with the fact that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there "is" such a thing as being too late. This is no time for apathy or complacency. This is a time for vigorous and positive action.” 

On this day celebrating a man who made a tremendous difference by standing up and daring to dream a dream, I hope we each can realize that we are made for this moment, that we will step forward, shake off the apathy and complacency that so often befalls us, and that we can make a difference in the world in which we live.